Aug 26

Anime is attractive to me when it exceeds my expectations, or deviates from it off the edge of the earth. Today, I was expecting to watch Nogizaka Haruka 7 and go “awwwwww” but instead, it sent me flying backwards towards the wall with a +10 LOL Gun. This episode is an inspired, creative cocktail that sent shockwaves down my funny bone.

Haruka has the best ever anime merchandise collection says I. Why? She has teh dangoes, and teh shana, which is all I care about. But when I saw her father step on it, I felt the fury seep through my arteries and my veins pulsed with anger. HOW DARE HE STEP ON THE ANIME MERCHANDISE. If I ever see him I will ensure he meets a proper end by fart bomb.

Freaking Nogizaka-ke has the money to own their own family air force. I seriously wonder what her father does for a living. Who the hell carries a sword around and has a scar on his left eye and owns fighter jets, gunships and tanks based in his own house!? Don’t tell me. The first thing that comes to mind is “Yakuza”. Though he certainly does not look like someone who would sit around in a bar with hot AIDS-infested milfs and tell his nephew to race some American with a southern accent on a mountain drag race.

For Yuuto on the other hand, having Haruka over is like China having the olympics handed to them. He plain does not deserve it, but to him, its like a freedom fighter dying in a Jihad and having 72 virgins served to him on a silver platter. I don’t blame him though. Nogizaka Haruka was designed to be Konata V2. He does not know it, but he is pretty damn lucky for that GAR Yakuza to be Haruka’s dad.

Alright. This picture is so wrong. I bet if this happened in real life, Yuuto would be walking down Akihabara one day only to be hit by a truck and shot by a mad Imperial Guard member and Nice Boated by Shiina Kotonoha (by the way, I didn’t see her this episode).

Of course, even if someone used the Chronosphere and jumped back in time to save Yuuto from impending newspaper headline-ity at Akiba, he would still have to face Haruka’s Hellhounds of Doom and if were to survive that, Danny Choo would have become promoted to Darth Choo by then and mobilized a massive force of Shibuya Dance Troopers to assasinate Yuu-chan.

On the lighter side of things, it seems Yuuto is not the only one affected by Haruka’s extreme moe radiation levels. Hazuki, having been exposed to thousands of serviets of moe radiation over the period of her service at the Nogizaka Mansion, coupled with dangerously high doses of sake, has reached her limit, and her superhuman body could no longer suppress the powerful desires supposedly only found in the male body.

Poor Hazuki, having to protect Haruka, and at the same time holding back her vicious desire for pleasure with her has led to marked symptoms of Enma Eyes, fatigue and profuse sweating. Poor her. She should have gotten married when she could.

Of course, the only man for her was the Nogizaka man of the house. His GARness surpasses all, even the ubiquitous doorbell and the Dango. But, despite her torment she continues to be blocked by what would soon be the trump card of all trump cards of The count of Monte Yamato, Haruka’s sister

Of course, this is why the chainsaw is the weapon of choice for her. So simple, so superfluous, capable of walking through anything it wanted, cutting anything it threw itself against, risking its very sharpness to overpower any formation of matter. Hazuki continues to be inspired by the extent to which a chainsaw follows its own heart (or motor).

This episode finally reveals the Nogizaka clan overlord. The Queen of the chess pieces. Haruka’s big sister mother’s presence packs a more powerful punch (it seems) than repeated nuclear strikes on major cities and sustained economic sanctions. Her umbrella coaxes autumn leaves to fall during spring and the background to become pink at awe of her nature.

People would sell their souls, arms, legs and all their base to acquire the power of such magnitude. Her reach is far, and her smoky tentacle-like aura waves that look like they are about to rape Haruka’s dad could easily blot out the sun on certain areas on the screen. A powerful woman indeed.

Despite their appearances, Haruka’s mom and dad can be likened to the Dragon and Hamster from Hayate no Gotoku’s showdown, respectively. I wonder how they ever met… But now at least we know where Haruka’s intense moeness comes from. I wonder if she would grow up to be GAR like her father?

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written by astrobunny \\ tags: , , , , , , , , ,

One Response to “Nogizaka Haruka: Oh the lulz”

  1. 1. Michael Says:

    I’ve already collected the first six episodes. I’ll just marathon them later …

    PROCRASTINATION aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh

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